• Kathryn Bollinger

Pregnancy and Anxiety

Updated: Feb 16, 2021

I have briefly stated that I am pregnant. It is truly a blessing for me as I have always had issues in this department of my life. I am 17 wk 6 days and just starting to show. It has been pretty real for me since the start as I have had issues the entire pregnancy. I knew I was pregnant at about 6 weeks as I was having horrible pains throughout my body with a "sick" feeling. I could just feel it. Other females know that feeling that I am talking about. With that being said, as soon as I heard her heartbeat on the sonogram I knew I had to push myself to get through the pregnancy. I will honestly say, with all the complications I knew I would face I had considered abortion.

My husband and I were taken by surprise with this pregnancy therefore the timing was very off for us. I was going through a lot with anxiety at the time also. Over the summer, I had been put on mood medications and they were being adjusted at the end of summer. I was in a very bad place emotionally. It was taking a toll on my marriage also. I was also on a couple other medications also. These were not the only concerns we had. I had always had issues with pregnancy and was very worried how hard the pregnancy would be with the different risks.

We waited to talk to all my doctors and see the OB. Were also sent to a specialist OB who could closely watch things. The first trimester was very rough on me. I was tired all the time, felt like I was sick. And I do not mean morning sickness. My body was always down with something. I could barely move most days. I actually never had morning sickness, thank goodness. One good thing right?? The doctors had adjusted my medications and taken me off some therefore I also was emotionally and physically adjusting to that. I always had cramping lower in my abdomen. This pain would not go away which caused an issue at one point. It was not until a few weeks ago I started to feel semi-normal again. Now, mostly I just deal with back pain and growing pains. Along with cramping...

So I have chronic back pain from bulging discs and degenerative disc disease. Also have scoliosis. This is all in my thoracic spine, upper and middle area into my shoulder blade. There is constant pain with bad flare ups. I am preparing myself for the lower back pain to kick in when I get bigger. They are preparing me for when my entire back hurts. It is definitely uncomfortable. I also have terrible anxiety and bipolar. My mom passed away a couple years ago and my anxiety progressively got worse. This past year, 2020 was terrible for me. Surprisingly, pregnancy has not been bad with it. I have had some panic attacks but I do not have anxiety most days. Those are the basics of my health issues where I need to take medications that are being monitored.

In December I thought I was having a miscarriage. I had some bleeding and severe cramping. The doctor checked me out and thank god she was okay. I still have the cramping some days but it is not as bad. She is placenta previa which means the placenta is blocking the cervix. My cervix is also thin from previous procedures I have had. They have me on light physical activity now and probably for a while. I really hope I do not get put on bedrest. My husband travels for work and I am home by myself during the week. It makes it hard most of time. I try to do things myself but worry that I do too much as some days I still have a hard time. Mostly right now my biggest problems are the cramping still. It is not all the time or as bad as it was. I know they are concerned about it but not worried that something is wrong as there is no bleeding associated. It is more so making me uncomfortable at night and I do not sleep much. Guess I am preparing for when she is here early. It makes me more exhausted though. I get uncomfortable and move around a lot, this makes my back hurt more. When I cannot sleep my anxiety starts because my head goes off into many directions. I have been able to occupy myself enough to not have severe anxiety as I was saying earlier.

Doctors tell me she is healthy and not to worry. That is hard for someone who has anxiety. It is also hard for me knowing I have different things that make my situation not exactly easy. I also have the RH- factor which already made it complicated when I had the bleeding. They are prepared for my birth if blood passes between myself and baby. I think now that I am in the second trimester I do not worry so much. I know I will get through everything and it will be worth it. I will take all this pain I am feeling everyday for her. I cannot wait to see my baby girl. I honestly am scared of the birth. But what mother is not?? That is where I am so far. I am glad I am doing better at the moment but I do know it will get rough again.

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